“Your greatest contribution to the kingdom of God may not be something you do but someone you raise.” (Andy Stanley)

Mother's Day has just passed. Father's Day is around the corner. These bookends on the calendar are more than Hallmark moments. They're an invitation to pause and ask an honest question: How is my family actually doing?

As ministry leaders, we receive feedback regularly. We debrief sermons, evaluate programs, and invite input from staff and elders. We understand that blind spots can only be revealed when we're willing to ask hard questions. But how often do we bring that same humility home?

“It’s a genuine attempt to understand their experience of being in your family, to celebrate what’s working, seek forgiveness where needed, and deepen trust.”

Proverbs 20:5 says, “The purposes of a person's heart are deep waters, but one who has insight draws them out.” Our kids have perspectives on our family's health that we may never discover unless we create space to ask.

We pour ourselves into our children's academic progress, athletic development, and social lives. We track grades and playing time and celebrate accolades. But Deuteronomy 6 reminds us that the most formative discipleship happens inside the home, in the rhythms of everyday life. The relational health of our families will shape how our kids approach friendships, dating, marriage, and eventually their own parenting. That's not a small thing.

Asking our kids for feedback requires a delicate balance of humility and wisdom. The goal isn't a “Yes Day” or a gripe session. It's a genuine attempt to understand their experience of being in your family, to celebrate what's working, seek forgiveness where needed, and deepen trust.

Below are questions to help guide those conversations, organized by age. They aren't exhaustive, just a starting point. The specific questions matter less than the willingness to ask them at all.

•  What is your favorite way to spend time together as a family?

•  When do you feel most loved by us? Are there times you don't feel loved?

•  How do you feel when we pray together or read the Bible as a family?

•  Is there something you'd like to learn from someone in our family?

•  Have you felt heard and understood by us? If not, how could we improve?

•  Do you feel extra pressure because of our role at the church?

•  What's the biggest lesson you've learned by watching how we handle stress?

•  What parts of how we lead our family would you want to carry into your own home someday?

A few tips for the conversation itself

•  Choose the right setting. “Family meeting” tends to raise defenses. A walk, a long drive, or a meal out can lower the guard and open the door.

•  Seek the “why.” Don't just collect answers. Dig into what's behind them. What your kids value tells you where to invest.

•  Respond, don't react. James 1:19 charges us to be “quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger.” That's good counsel in any setting, but it's especially vital when your child shares something that stings. Resist the urge to justify or redirect. A simple “I'm sorry I've made you feel that way” goes further than any explanation.

•  Thank them for the trust. Vulnerability is a gift. Treat it like one.

You shepherd a congregation week in and week out. The people sitting in the pews aren't the only ones watching how you live. Your kids are, too, and what they see at home matters more than they may ever say. This season between honoring mothers and fathers is a good time to ask whether the people closest to you feel known, loved, and heard.